One of the things I struggle with is being in the present. Sometimes it feels very natural for me to be in the present. I just am. But then other days, I worry that I dwell too much on past performances and future goals.
For instance, yesterday I ran my fifth 5k race of the season. Back in January, after a very rough 2012, I declared 2013 the "Year of Angel" and made a pretty ambitious list of goals for the year. One of my goals was to run eight 5ks this season. Granted, I have yet to "run" an entire course, completing number five felt pretty good. I only completed four races the entire season last year so I made it past that halfway mark. Hooray! Likewise, my slowest time this year, 35:21, is about five minutes faster than my fastest time last year, 40:23 (which was just three months after I had a hysterectomy). Aaaand there I go again: a lot of past, some future, no present.
What is wrong with me? (Oh, there you are, present tense.)
*breathe*
I know that nothing is wrong with me. It takes time to learn to live in the present. While the success of my professional work is built around planning, I believe that I am an inherent planner. I am not nearly as anxious about the future as I once was but I still map out my days, weeks, and months, sometimes multiple-months in advance. (Thank you Save-the-Date culture.) Additionally, I've spent a lot of time in front of students teaching them strategies of setting and achieving goals; these are undoubtedly good skills but are still rooted in that which is beyond the present.
Likewise, I've learned a lot about the art of letting go, particularly when it comes to those non-material possessions that seemed to haunt my soul or hinder my spirit. I am grateful for all the generous and loving coaches, mentors, and roles models I've had throughout my adult life. So very grateful. Of course, in situations of immense loss or pain, letting go is neither easy nor artful, it is simply an experience.
But being in the present? That can be tough.
My intent for this blog was to write about starting and finishing. I was going to use my 5k races as a metaphor for my semesters insofar as I often start strong but finish not-so-strong. Early in the season, I confessed to Aaron that I never finish as strongly as I should. I told him that if I'm walking and I can see the finish line, I sometimes continue to walk. I told him that if I'm running when I cross the finish line, I'm not running full-speed ahead. Aaron encouraged me to finish strong. He said I should always try and finish strong. And I know he's right. I should.
The semester begins tomorrow. I have spent the past month preparing for my start. I will begin with an intent to finish strong. In the space between beginning and ending, I will do my best to just be.
Namaste, my friends :)
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